Old habits
by AEM77
Summary: Old habits die hard.
1. Chapter 1

'So is everyone in this town a freak or just the lucky ones?"

The simple question seems to cause Nathan physical pain as he adjusts his position at the desk next to hers in their formally shared office. "Troubled, not freaks; we call them troubled. And no, so far as we can tell they only run in some families, not others."

There were times over the last few days when Audrey thinks she may be laying the Lexie act on too thick. What are the chances her newest incarnation would be so very much the polar opposite of her last one? But she need only remember the feel of the gun in her hands as Nathan had guided it to his heart to remind her of the necessity of her charade.

"What about you? You got a 'trouble'?" She twirls the ends of her still very unfamiliar hair in her fingers, a trait stolen from Tiffany Donovan the most obnoxious girl see can remember from St. Mary's orphanage.

"I can't feel anything," he answers simply.

"What? Nothing? Wicked," she says with amusement drawing out the last syllable as she imagines the real Lexie might. '_Miserable,'_ she thinks. "Must be nice for police work," '_like having nails shot into your back or shafts of wood thrust into your chest.' _She shutters inwardly, remembering the warm sticky feeling of Nathan's blood on her hands. Twice now she's seen his chest opened with a fatal wound and she'll be damned if she's going to see it again.

"Not so great for sexy times though, huh?" She watches as he shuffles some more in his chair and wonders if he's even cognizant of the physical discomfort 'Lexie' is causing him. "Is that why things were so 'complicated' with you and Audrey?"

She shouldn't be asking these kinds of questions. Sure it's in keeping with the kind of crass forwardness Nathan's come to expect from Lexie, but she could be nettling him with a far more innocent line of questioning. But this is one of the unforeseen dangers of playing this character Audrey had not anticipated.

There was once a time when she didn't need a spy to look into Nathan Wuornos' mind. A raised eyebrow here and a monosyllable there and she knew exactly where his head was at, where his heart was. From the very beginning an intimacy existed between them that surpassed the physical and was stronger than any other she'd ever known, certainly from her own memories and she'd bet even in all her lifetimes before. But all of that had changed with the barn, with her need to sacrifice herself to end the troubles and keep him safe in the process. Now there was Colorado and 1955 and any number of secrets between them and the opportunity to use Lexie to peer behind his stoicism is far too strong to resist.

"Audrey was immune to the troubles. I could feel her touch," he says looking absently over his desk with a small smile. "I can feel yours too," the smile fades away as he finishes his thought turning to look at her almost with reproach.

"Is that why you loved her, cause you could feel her?" Audrey prays Nathan doesn't notice the breathless and very un-Lexie like way she's nearly whispered this last question. She'd never needed an answer to this question before, but still she finds she's scared of what he'll say. She only hopes Nathan will forgive her this conversation one day.

But clearly Nathan's lost in the moment as well because he answers almost immediately, "Touch isn't everything," staring down at his own senseless hands. "I don't know what it is that made Audrey _Audrey_, but I _knew_ her. I loved _her_." Presumably remembering himself and who he's with, Nathan begins to shuffle the papers in front of him, "We should get back to work."

Audrey is thankful for the distraction a knock at the door brings as she takes the opportunity to get back into character.

"Hiya, Nathan," says Stan coming in with a coffee and pastry bag from Rosemary's. "Audrey," he continues with a nod in her direction. "I brought you a coffee," he says bringing the to-go cup to Nathan's desk, "and a muffin for you, Audrey." Stan seems to be struggling to look anywhere but at her rather revealing attire as he hands over the pastry, only to find himself fixated on the silver hoop in her nose.

"Thanks, Stan," says Nathan sincerely with a small smile at the other man's discomfort.

"No problem, Chie…Nathan," Stan fumbles. "It's good to have you back," he finishes closing he door to the office as he leaves.

Even as she's rolling her eyes at this exchange in her best Lexie impression, Audrey's chest is filling with gratitude for the loyal and kind Stan, one of the few people in this town to remember how much Nathan has given and sacrificed for Haven. Nathan must be similarly engaged with his thoughts as absent-mindedly he moves to bring the noticeably still scalding cup of coffee to his lips.

Instantly and automatically, Audrey is out of her seat and snatching the cup to bring a tentative sip to her lips. "Too hot," she proclaims moving to return the cup to Nathan. Her mistake is written all over his face. Always beautiful, it has taken on a radiance as his pale blue eyes widen and brim with hope and tentative recognition.

"Next time tell Officer Pervert there I take it with 2 creams and a sugar," she recovers keeping the cup for herself. She turns away quickly as much to keep from seeing his hope dashed as to keep him from seeing the heartbreak on her own face.

For the hundredth time since she'd been spit out on that field, she recalls the cold steel handle of a gun pressed against Nathan's heart to steady her resolve. She will have to do so much better if she is going to save him, if she is going to save them all. But as the saying goes old habits die hard.


	2. Chapter 2

'So is everyone in this town a freak or just the lucky ones?"

_The alarm clock light blares a red 3:00 am at him as he reaches a panicky arm towards the phone. Before he can choke out 'Wuornos residence' the voice on the other line shrieks "freak" followed by a host of delirious giggles. He's fairly sure he can make out Duke Crocker's laugh amongst the symphony of boys on the other end. Exhausted he goes to place the receiver back into it's cradle just thankful the call did not wake the Chief, when the man himself booms across the line, "If I ever find out who this is I'll have you in lockdown faster than you can say prank call." If this isn't bad enough the biggest injustice comes the next morning when Garland corners him on his way out the door for school. "These phone calls need to stop, Nathan. I don't know what you're doing to antagonize these boys, but you need to figure it out. Toughen up for God's sake. They're waking up your mother and we all know how much she needs her rest."_

"Troubled, not freaks; we call them troubled," he pauses to collect himself as he realizes how hostile his tone sounds. "And no, so far as we can tell they only run in some families, not others." It's a pretty good question actually, why some folks seem afflicted and not others, and he reminds himself to bother the Teague brothers about it soon. Doubtlessly they've got some information about the 'who' and 'why' of it all that they're holding close to their chest.

"What about you? You got a 'trouble'?"

"I can't feel anything." Like the idiot he is, he holds his breath waiting for the familiar exchange.

_You can't feel anything? Can you feel fire? Ice? You can feel ice!_

Instead he gets, "Wicked. Must be nice for police work." He lets out his breath in a small huff. He's going to have to learn to stop expecting things from Lexie, but he can't silence the voice inside of him whispering, 'Be in there; be somewhere in there,' every time he looks at the familiar blue eyes surrounded by foreign dark smudges.

"Not so great for sexy times though, huh?" She presses on; and he thought Audrey talked a lot. Unbidden the memory of Jess Minion's dead kisses come to mind.

"_Can you feel that?" _

"_Everything to gain, and nothing to lose."_

But with Audrey, there was everything to lose and he had lost, lost all of it. He wouldn't be able to feel a bullet ripping through his heart, but he could feel this. Not for the first time, he wondered what he was still doing here. Maybe they should have let Jordan blow off his head with that shotgun. Maybe this, being forever in the company of a living and breathing reminder that Audrey was gone, was the punishment he deserved for those 17 lives he'd lost.

"Is that why things were so 'complicated' with you and Audrey?" She pushes on relentlessly despite his obvious discomfort. At least she shares Audrey's tenacity, he thinks humorlessly.

"Audrey was immune to the troubles. I could feel her touch,"

"_That day when you kissed my cheek, that was the first time I'd felt anything in a long time."_

"I can feel yours too." Her touch was worse than the physical resemblance. A reminder that no one could fake, that Audrey, his version of Audrey, was gone forever. Whereas Audrey's touch had pulled him out of his self-pity and self-imposed exile, Lexie's seemed to push him deeper in. He can't quite control the disappointment he feels as he looks at her now.

"Is that why you loved her, cause you could feel her?"

_He remembers the woman's face as he tells her she'll never be able to touch her husband again, sad but not broken._

"_It's going to be tough for them," Audrey states._

"Touch isn't everything." Ironically it had been Audrey's touch that had proved this to him.

"I don't know what it is that made Audrey _Audrey_, but I _knew_ her. I loved _her_."

"_I know who you are. I do, because of you I can…"_

Nathan had never wavered on who Audrey was before. Not when her face peered out from a newspaper story decades old, not when a federal agent came to town with her badge and her memories, not even when the sun beamed off her red hair as she flashed him a carefree smile and told him they had time. But this, this time with Lexie had rattled him. He _knew_ Audrey, hair and accent and clothing be damned, he _knew_ her. But Lexie was different. He'd been so sure when he'd dared to imagine the worst, that she'd come back as someone new, he'd been sure he'd see her somewhere in there. But Lexie seemed designed to thwart him. She didn't even like pancakes.

"We should get back to work."

Just then Stan comes into the office. Nathan is relieved to find Stan's presence actually manages to derail Lexie's incessant interrogation of his and Audrey's relationship. As if he needed more reason to be grateful to the other officer. Ever since he's come back to Haven PD Stan's been going out of his way to let Nathan and all the rest of the squad know he doesn't hold Nathan responsible for all that's happened over the last 6 months. Nathan would appreciate it more if he could feel the same.

Still he gives a smile to the other man and a 'thanks' for the coffee he's brought him. He's chuckling to himself over Stan's clear embarrassment over 'Audrey's new look and about to take a sip when sensation floods the side of his hand and Lexie is standing before him grabbing the cup from his grasp.

"Too hot," she says looking down on him. And he'd swear over the cooler of his dead father that he is staring up into Audrey's eyes.

"_Too hot. Give it a minute."_

"Next time tell Officer Pervert there I take it with 2 creams and a sugar," and she turns away from him the cup in her hands. 'Be in there, Audrey. Please be in there!' he feels like screaming as she walks away from him. He knows he needs to learn to be without her, finally let her go like he couldn't all those months ago. But his heart has not quite learned to do it and as the saying goes, old habit die hard.


End file.
